If you’re ever looking to fall into a particularly fun internet rabbit hole, just do a quick search for “chindōgu.” Literally translated as “strange device,” chindōgu is the Japanese art of creating impractical inventions that no one asked for. Classic examples of chindōgu include a tie that doubles as an umbrella, a small broom and dustpan that attach to the tip of your shoes, and a portable fan that can be clipped to a pair of chopsticks to cool your noodles. These “un-useless” creations might seem like a clever solution to a very specific problem, but they’re generally intended more as the sort of gag gift that only a prop comic would appreciate.
Chindōgu is not an entirely Eastern concept. Once the cornerstone of retailers like Spencer’s Gifts, but now largely relegated to internet retailers, America has always had a passion for the impractical. This extends to automotive culture, where cringe-tastic accessories like headlight eyelashes, novelty shifter knobs, and bawdy bumper stickers are all par of the course. Useless car accessories can generally be broken down into two categories: those that are just a little bit silly and those that falsely promise actual performance benefits. I’ve gathered a few of our favorite examples from each category, from highway hotpots and rearview mirror classics to faux performance chips and some decidedly un-scientific efficiency-enhancing gadgets.
Silly: VW Blumenvasen
The definition of “useless” is all in the eye of the beholder. Is a painting useless? It might not serve any concrete purpose, but its aesthetic value can’t be denied. It’s with this debate in mind that we bring you the humble blumenvasen (“flower vase”). Originally introduced as an optional accessory on the 1950s-era Volkswagen Beetle, this porcelain vase could be attached to the compact’s dashboard, speaker grille, or windshield to provide the perfect perch for a little floral decoration.
It was a fitting accessory for the Beetle, which became one of the most iconic models in the ’60s “Flower Power” era, but its purpose wasn’t entirely aesthetic. In the late 1960s, just over half of the vehicles on the road came standard with air conditioning. The blumenvasen allowed drivers to freshen up the interior (or at least cut through the BO) with a fresh, flowery scent. The blumenvasen stuck around even after AC became a standard feature, gracing the new Beetle when it hit the market around the turn of the millennium. The plastic vase was finally axed when the Beetle was redesigned in 2011, but it’ll still go down as one of the cutest optional features in automotive history.
Suspect: Cheap Performance Chips
Being able to unlock your vehicle’s true potential by simply plugging a plastic box into your OBD-II reader might seem too good to be true, and it usually is. Don’t get me wrong, there are some legitimate performance chips on the market that can alter power output, fuel economy, and other performance metrics by adjusting parameters like boost pressure, ignition timing, and the air/fuel ratio, but there are also lots of products that make some outrageous claims while amounting to little more than an overpriced LED in some flashy housing. Even some of the more legitimate products aren’t always worth the gamble as they can alter performance in a way the automaker never intended; sure, you might be able to squeeze a few extra ponies out of the engine, but it could easily lead to some premature damage that’s simply not worth the risk.
There are also plenty of products that claim to improve overall fuel economy, but the results are suspect, to say the least. A study by Consumer Reports found that such devices have no discernible effect on fuel economy and suggested that a more traditional upgrade (such as installing new oxygen sensors) might be far more effective. While switching out the ECU for a performance model or investing in some high-end $300-to-$400 performance chips from the likes of HPTuners and DiabloSport might get you the results you’re looking for, it’s generally a good idea to be wary of anything that falls below that sort of price point.
Silly: Fuzzy Dice
Fuzzy dice have a high-flying history. During World War II, some fighter pilots would hang a pair of fuzzy dice above their instrument panel before setting off on a sortie. These pilots would ensure the dice were showing a combined tally of seven as a sort of good luck charm for their aerial adventure—and a tradition was soon born. Fuzzy dice are one of the most iconic accessories ever to grace a rearview mirror, becoming a staple of the hot-rod and street racing culture of the 1950s.
They’re certainly not the dumbest thing anyone has ever suspended from their vehicle (see “truck nuts”), and while I have to admit they do have a sort of classic, Americana-inspired charm, they could also result in you paying a fine, depending on where you live. Some states have regulations barring drivers from any in-vehicle accessories that might obstruct the driver’s view; this includes fuzzy dice or anything else that could be hung from a rearview mirror, though you’re unlikely to be pulled over for that infraction alone. In many jurisdictions, police can’t actually stop a driver for these sorts of obstructions, but they can add them to the list of offenses if you’re pulled over for a more serious traffic violation.
Suspect: Fuel Ionizers/Magnets
Cheap performance chips aren’t the only accessory that claims to be like some sort of “Limitless” pill for your vehicle; fuel ionizers and magnets are similarly suspect, promising some benefits that, according to the most basic laws of science, aren’t really possible. First introduced in the 1980s, fuel line magnets make the bold claim of enhancing molecules within a vehicle’s fuel line to improve fuel economy. If this sounds like the sort of pseudoscience that’s usually reserved for late-night TV infomercials, there’s a good reason: there’s been no evidence to suggest that subjecting gasoline to a magnetic field has any effect on the efficiency of the internal combustion process.
It wouldn’t be the first time magnets got away with making some outrageous performance- or health-related claims. We tend to ascribe an almost mystical quality to these chunks of metal (“Magnets, how do they work?”), and while they definitely have their uses, improving fuel economy isn’t one of them. It’s much the same case when you’re talking about fuel ionizers. When attached between the fuel injector and pump, these products claim to create an ionic field that does “something” to the fuel to make for cleaner combustion—but as is the case with wellness trends like ionized water and bracelets that claim to cure arthritis, there’s really no science to back up the effectiveness of fuel ionizers.
Silly: 12-Volt Appliances
The average American driver will spend almost 300 hours behind the wheel each year. When you’re logging that sort of time, it’s easy to be tempted to do a little multitasking, especially trying to satisfy your appetite. From ovens and rice cookers to popcorn machines and even slow cookers, there is no shortage of appliances on the market that can be easily connected to your vehicle’s 12-volt accessory outlet.
While I understand the allure of these mobile appliances, trying to prepare a snack while you’re in control of a two-ton vehicle surely meets the definition of distracted driving. These accessories are intended to be used when the vehicle is safely parked at a beach, campsite, or somewhere else where you might crave the convenient comfort of home, but people aren’t always great at following instructions. We’re willing to bet at least a few drivers have tried to cook up a few pizza rolls when speeding down the highway at 60 mph or treated themselves to some fresh popcorn while mired in rush hour traffic.
Suspect: Exhaust Tips
If you’re looking to maximize power, an exhaust replacement might be just the ticket. We’ll spare you the engineering lesson, but it really all comes down to airflow: the quicker exhaust gasses can escape out of the tailpipe, the quicker the engine can draw in new, fresh air to repeat the internal combustion process. Your available exhaust upgrades typically come in three flavors: header-, cat-, or axle-back systems.
A header-back exhaust is the most complete upgrade a driver can hope for, replacing everything from the header collector to the tailpipes as part of a project that can cost as much as $2,000 depending on labor and whether you opt for a full-on performance kit. A cat-back exhaust is a little more affordable, replacing everything south of the catalytic converter for around $800 to $1,200 on average. An axle-back is the most affordable of the three but also has the least impact on performance; it might help lend the vehicle a throatier growl when you step on the gas, but it’s mostly an aesthetic upgrade.
That’s also the case with exhaust tips. These aftermarket tips—many of which simply bolt onto the end of the existing tailpipe—have no noticeable impact on performance and are a surefire way to draw the ire of your neighbors, not to mention some unwanted attention from local law enforcement. A good set of exhaust tips can be the icing on the cake of a full header- or cat-back upgrades, but they’re pretty useless on their own.
Some Interesting Garbage to Put in Your Car
There’s nothing wrong with snazzing up your car, truck, or SUV with some unique decorations that give your ride a little flair. They can be a fun way to distinguish your vehicle and make a great gag gift for drivers who don’t take their automotive aesthetic too seriously. Accessories that claim to carry actual performance benefits are another matter altogether; if that random $20 accessory you found on Amazon really worked as advertised, chances are it would already be included as a standard feature in your $30,000 vehicle.
At best, products like exhaust tips, fuel ionizers, and performance chips come across as looking a little silly; at worst, they can cause long-term damage to a vehicle by subjecting the powertrain to conditions it was never designed for. When it comes to appliances that plug into your 12-volt accessory outlet, it’s important to avoid the urge to become a highway gourmet—or try some sort of Micheal Scott-inspired life hack—and save the meal prep for your final destination.
